22 September, 2005
THE RULES OF AUCKLAND
From an email today!
1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is “Ork – Lund”, not “JAFATOWN.” (For those not in the know… Ork-Lunders are known as JAFA’s in the rest of NZ. Just Another F***ing Aucklander!)
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Auckland has its own version of traffic rules… Hold on and pray. There is no such thing as a dangerous high speed chase in Auckland. We all drive like that.
3. All directions start with, “Go down the motorway”…
4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic a “Scenic Drive.”
5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 am to 10:00 am. The evening rush
hour is from 3:00 pm to 7:00 pm. Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday morning.
6. If you actually stop at an orange light, you will be rear-ended,
abused and possibly shot. When you are the first one off the starting
line, count to five when the light turns green before going, to avoid
getting into any cross-traffic’s way.
7. K’ Road (real name Karangahape Road) can ONLY be pronounced by a native Ork-Lunder.
8. Construction on motorways and other main streets in peak traffic is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment.
9. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.
10. All old ladies with coloured hair driving a crappy car have total
right-of-way. (This also applies to Destiny Church members or any car bearing religious car stickers of any kind!)
11. The minimum acceptable speed on an Ork-Lund Motorway is 120 kph. Anything less is considered downright dangerous, even tho’ the “official” speed limit is 100kph.
12. The wrought iron on windows in South Auckland is NOT ornamental.
13. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that
says, “Keep honking, I’m reloading.” In fact, don’t honk at anyone.
THIS IS NOT A JOKE EITHER. (Refer to the New Road Rage rules)
14. If you are in the left lane, and only going 100 km in a 100 km zone,
people are not waving at you when they go by.
15. The Auckland Harbour Bridge road is our daily version of Speedway.
16. If it’s 25 degrees, Christmas must be next weekend.
17. When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits on the motoway lead to Auckland city.
18. You must get as close as possible to the car in front of you.
Some people have a bumper sticker – *Horn Broken, Watch For Finger*. You may not see the finger in time if you are not close enough.
